Better Than This

Last week I took a

Leap for love

And fell flat

Splattered heart

Still pumping

Slowly, afraid

Last week my dear

Friend from Norway and I

Shared a bottle of wine

On a Bridgeland patio

Together we answered the

"36 Questions to fall in love"

Just to fall in love

With each other even more

Friendship.  Bliss.

This weekend I've been

Obsessing about a boy

Who doesn't love me

Who am I?
 

The cat needed love today

Twisting her little body madly

To best expose her belly

She was, as Brene Brown and Maria Ulvestad

Put it - 'in the arena'

Like me

My friend with three lively children

Heard I was heartbroken

And dropped everything

To comfort me over coffee

And waffles

Tell me, sweet ones,

Does it get better

Than this?

Yesterday I was told that

When I was away

Gallivanting about the world

My boyfriend at the time

Sat down weekly with my

Little bereaved brother

For a year

Who just lost his mother

To watch TV

And eat chips

The perfect sacrament

In cases of death

This weekend my roommate

And I ate ice cream

And laughed at obscure films

The perfect antidote for a

Fragile heart

The sun shines bright

Scorches, blazes

And a song plays on the radio

My mom and I used to sing

'Georgia'
In rich, ripe tones

I smiled at the sky as I sang

Just an old sweet song

Knowing she was still

Singing with me

She always loved to sing

I burnt my ankle yesterday

Just one ankle

And fires blaze in Alberta

Swallowing homes

And livelihoods

And people, everywhere

Like my friends

Ignited

Dropping everything

To support

How intimate light and dark are

Such a wild, fiery dance

And also,

My neighbour fixed my bike

So I could race along the river

Where lilacs are in bloom

Their perfume plastered

Everywhere

And then,
 

Last night I saw the

Northern lights from my

Front porch

Dancing in the blackened sky

Above the city

No, it doesn't get better than this.

spiritual grit

There comes a brave moment on a soul's journey, where one is presented with the profound opportunity to regard themselves, their life, their entirety as essentially good, worthy and worthwhile.  No longer do the tugs of the 'shoulds' of the world nag at our consciences.  The light from our own being is now enough.  It is enough now to trust that, to walk forward as we were always meant to. 
This does not make for an easy journey - that was never the promise.  The world is full of should-shouters, insecure, judgmental, fearful people who have not yet found their own space of personal peace and spiritual grit.  So the call is great.  It is to be brave and courageously yourself.  To be the expert in 'you' in this world.  To shine and create with all the courage you can muster.  And when you fall, to get back up and do it again.  This is what Cheryl Strayed called the call of the "wild."  It is what Elizabeth Gilbert calls "coming home."  It is returning to that place within that knows that you KNOW, and committing to walking that path.  Bon Courage!

call of the wild

After an anxious ridden week and a late Friday night, I woke up this morning feeling surprisingly light and refreshed. I opened my curtains to a bright, dewy morning sun and felt a very strong urge to be outside immediately. I dressed, threw on my runners and headed to a large, wild, local park right by my house. It was like walking to heaven. Warm sun, kiss of crisp autumn breezes, dancing grasslands, brilliant wildflowers, hawks, black birds, beetles, grasshoppers met me with their brilliant aliveness. I caught myself in silent awe around each new bend and summit. I am alive and surrounded by utter, endless beauty. How is it that we forget this so often? (It comes as no surprise that my doctor friend recommends all his patients spend 30 minutes outdoors each day. The healing in that act alone is more significant than most of us realize).
So, I relished this morning in the hills. I picked wildflowers. Sat and stared. Walked slowly. Ran up hills. The bigness of the world holding my being in gentle caress.
I brought home my lightened, joyful spirit and a bouquet of wildflowers to set on my kitchen table. Now for breakfast - another human act that can heal us so well, if only we took the time to notice. Today - Lemon Coconut Quinoa Pancakes with local, organic peaches with a side of chamomile tea. Thank you coconut. Thank you lemon. Thank you chamomile for counseling so well. Thank you beetle for your vibrant scuttle. Thank you grasslands for your bold dance. I am lighter today because of you all.

could there be more clarity than this?

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

~Mary Oliver

bon courage

The world doesn't wrap dreams up like gifts to
give away. Rather than wait, she stretches her
arms toward the things she wants. The future:

an intersection with too many street signs.
She makes her own road map; she goes
fearlessly, shamelessly. The secret

recipe is, Put one foot in front of the other.
Don't stop. She is doing it. The password
is, Work hard. Be kind. She wants to make,

so she does. She doesn't count those
who take note. She was born with all
the keys already in her hands. Imagine:

creating because it's possible, not because
it's profitable, clearing the path for others
gaining the boldness to follow behind. Her

spine is a braid of steel; her hands, open. She
has what the world needs, so she births more
and gives it, until her arms are overflowing.

it flows

Were we ever to go
digging danger
up from the springs
of world's edge?

The mountains whisper
sweet nothings
or was that you?
No matter

the wind beckons
constantly, always
and the wings of my hair
rejoice in dance

Where or where have
you taken me
under the garnet sky
of hope and darkness

can there even be more
than what is?

I am dripping with
abundance, and now
gratitude

Like the birds

There are moments in one's life, at least I hope there are, when they feel like they see for the first time.  The ordinary hills, trees, sidewalk one has walked upon and through a million times is seen as though new and foreign and it commands awe.  That was today.  Born a Calgarian who has lived in Manitoba, BC, the U.S., Central American, Asia and Europe, I keep coming home - to many people's surprise.  The comments of surprise and wonder at my desire to move back to 'cow-town' are numerous, and I myself am increasingly surprised at the distain Calgarians (and, let's be honest - insert any city dweller here) hold for their own city.  If you are unhappy, dear human, then move.  But I can assure you of this - it is not the beauty of a city, the temperature, weather, politics or city organisation that makes a city worth living in - there is so much more to life, people, community and meaning (that comes with struggle) that encourage my decision to settle where I have.  Moderate weather alone will not cut it. 
As I reflect on my happiest times in life, they have been when I had less distraction from the moment - less Facebook -, when my life was simpler -I had less - and when I lived in community.  Today, as I walked along a sidewalk in a suburban community in south west Calgary, I was in awe of the blueness of the sky.  The sky here in Alberta is brilliant.  It is so big and obnoxiously and joyously bright.  And that blue - it is so pure and beaming - like it was the first blue ever created.  And then there is the snow - or rather, sparkles, under my feet and all around me.  The crunch and squish cut the silence of the crisp, still space of this area - until you run into the bushes of a hundred little birds, who cannot stop chattering excitedly at the sparkly decorations of their home.  The birch trees, rooted and strong play games with the sun's rays.  They are happy just to be.  A reminder of the joy of stillness and quiet.  And among those trees, I fell in love again - with this life so generously given to me.  What blessed creatures we are, to be able to call this place our home. 
And so the decision stands and is confirmed again.  It's the simple, and the still moments of looking around that we realize the beauty of life and being alive.  And I am grateful and elated, like the birds.

Playfulness

"[Life] is a musical thing and you are supposed to sing or dance while the music is being played."  ~Alan Watts

Today I am aware of my tendency to run.  Like a hamster - in a wheel.  I wake with to-do lists in my head, I scurry about all morning - task to task, very robotically and mindlessly to get ready for my day.  Most days are busy, packed, really.  Mostly with obligations, others with self-imposed disciplines such as exercise and study.  Things that are neither good or bad and sometimes both. 
Lately though, I have become a little more cognizant of the girl inside of me anxious to get out and play.  I have kept her trapped for too long and she is getting impatient. 
Are adults simply working to finally play again?  Is play not an essential part of life? 
Philosopher Alan Watts' basic metaphysical assumption hinges on an understanding that the universe is essentially playful.  The universe has no necessity that can be fully comprehended, and yet it exists - beautiful and blatant.  With all our gust and endearing drive could we have forgotten what it means to simply exist in this paradise?  Have we forgotten to stop and look around and remember what a gift it is to simply be alive?  There is much we can learn from children, who wake up and immediately start to explore and play.  That is our nature! 
Today, I remember little Stephanie excited to explore.  That is my intention today.  I hope it's yours.

This Beautiful Life

Today I wake up to gray and drizzle.  Characteristics that naturally bring comfort and warmth.  For that I am extremely grateful.  I wake up slow.  I lay in bed and breath thankfulness.  I stretch, make peppermint tea and munch on baked apples while snuggling a kitty.  Moments like these are precious gifts and I fully intend to be present and breath in this beautiful life.

Held

Find me between the boughs
Of weeping willows green
Betwixt the gnarly cushions
They bare

That is where I hold myself

That is where S/he holds me

I came upon a forest
That lead me to my heart
I saw myself as a deer
And breathed the purest air

Thank God for the forest
The deer
The chipmunk
They teach us who we are

Held.

on food and love

Much has changed. And in the most base and yet foundational form. I speak of food. I smile at this thought, for it has always seemed quite a primitive occupation, no? I have, though, yet discovered that it is a gift. It is life. And it is to the base of my life I must explore and consider before I feel I can preoccupy my mind with that I have often found loftier.

My exploration started with a suggestion made by my Naturopath and quickly became my most sought after research the past 4 months. How could I have ignored this part of life for so long? That which gives us life, that which sustains us, that which heals, that which gives us energy, motivation, mental clarity. That which causes illness and kills and that which brings peace and joy. That which we share with all creatures on earth, and on a daily basis partake in to bring us to yet another day. Humanity has come a long way to have food become something we spend little time thinking about and as with all technology and industrial growth with our great gains there is always something lost. Once I came to understand the detriments of taking for granted food consumption I have been reminded to consider the roots of health, the basics of life.

I have found much and I could write much. I could write new poetry on the earth, the animals and the humans that have so carelessly taken charge. I now wonder at our illnesses that kill millions each year that had never existed in past decades and still remain unknown in certain areas of the world. But most of all, how I start this thought, this dialogue - how we could be so removed from this basic yet paramount part of our lives and leave it unconsidered.

As I changed my diet, I filled my journals with the changes I experienced. My energy increased, my mental clarity improved, I slept more sound, I found myself quite joyful. Something seemed to lift from my shoulders. I felt as though I could breath more deeply and understand more clearly. I felt strangely aware of things I never was before. I felt more in tune with nature with all living things. I felt deeply at peace and a huge increase in joy and I had written in my journal, "All I know is that my life has changed. I am in love."

I will write another entry on my thoughts on food and theology and spirituality - for you all know how consumed I am with this marriage of ideologies, and more so, how all these are connected. But for now, I speak merely pragmatically. We must deeply consider our meals for they have significant implications on our bodies, our persons, and our world. It is not easy. It is a process and a journey. But it is beautiful.

being here

There are some things that we come in contact with in life that immediately connect with us - it just makes perfect sense - and it acts as an affirming agent. We all need these. It keeps us alive, it keeps us growing.

I am on an interesting journey - we all are - and I (we) always have been. But it is especially interesting to me now because I'm aware of new things within myself. The process of introspection is turning to greater self discovery and self acceptance as I grow. And what a beautiful and complex thing self acceptance is. So humbling, so freeing.

I have come to understand the extent to which I love people and thrive on the relationships in my life. This longing, along with growing up with a worldview that God was a relational God and wanted to get to know me, shaped the majority of the decisions I have made in my life. Namely, I was searching for a love story that I was told existed for me and secondly, I was seeking community. I traveled from community to community falling in love with those I lived with for those intense months I spent with them. I would leave them with a greater longing for those relationships to continue - and I would find new ones. I have found myself in a cycle of coming and leaving communities, countries my entire adult life and it has left me wanting.

I have been stationary now for two and a half years. I was planning on moving to a next city in a few months, because in Calgary I have also been found wanting - but my heart is telling me to stay. This is what staying has taught me: 1) True community takes time and energy which requires one to be stationed. It is ugly and extremely difficult as well as beautiful and meaningful. 2) True growth comes from having the time to move past the survival mode of living in a foreign land and simply being. It allows you the space to look at yourself and wonder at who you are and what possibilities exist within yourself to do (indeed, a great privilege for us wealthy). 3) It enables one to be known by others and 4) it has brought me to see that I am full of fear.

The human spirit is so alive, beautiful and complex. Our brains, bodies, spirits, are so unique and so interconnected. I realize that I need not lose myself to find another. On the contrary, when I see myself, I can truly see others. My self recognition only furthers my capacity to recognize the other - self love to love the other, etc.

So, I am brought to a stationary place and learning this crazy human that is me. In doing so, I'm losing some fear. In doing so, I'm learning others. In doing so, I am finding more freedom and finding myself giving more to others.

These are some jumbled thoughts that have been floating in and through my heart and mind the last few months. You may not see the connection, but when I was sent this video from a friend, I felt an affirming nod from deep within me. Culture and socialization hardly leave room for this process I speak of. We are trained by our parents, religion, schools, communities, etc. to walk certain paths, often killing creativity, novelty and reflection. But although many walk these paths (drawing for me as all I desire are humans) is not our greatest achievement that of grasping perhaps mere morsels of understanding on the reason for our existence?

amen

betwixt

There indwelt another twinkle
Another rhythm where other
Rhythms waver
And create solo tunes

And the question captured
Both hearts
And time for unaccountable moments
Allowed them this pleasure

i have no words

http://youtu.be/_TsR1yiAe9g

thank you

Anne Lamott suspects that the best prayers are, "Help me, help me, help me" and "Thank you, thank you, thank you." I feel as of late that I deeply concur with her findings. Often, there is nothing but these two statements I find myself whispering to the infinite - they pour out of me so naturally like honey drips from the comb. And then somewhere in the midst of these help mes and thank yous, I feel wrapped in a cosmic something and suspended in Love. I then laugh and cry - I grasp the hands of my friends and look into their loving eyes and thank God again that I am so blessed to have those who love me.
This beautiful cycle of fragility and neediness to strength and gratitude is filling my days, and I love it. Being human is so fickle and humbling - such a dichotomy of loveliness and shit.
I would have it no other way.

the power of vulnerability

As I look back at my life, I can't help but realize that over the years I've lost much of my openness. There is something about experience, rejection and pain that causes us to forget that our vulnerability and whole-heartedness is what it means to truly live!
This Ted Talks inspired me anew. I also want to be one of the whole-hearted.

sin as necessity

Remember the whole biblical drama begins with an act of transgression; a necessary transgression, I think. I know we pretend to be disappointed that Adam and Eve ate the apple, but we have to know that is the whole point! They had to eat the apple. There is no story without it. That is how the conflict is set up. That is how we break through to consciousness. We don’t come to God by doing it “right.” Doing it right just makes us fall in love with ourselves, not God. In the story of the Prodigal Son we see it clearly (Luke 15:11-32). There is one son who does it right and one son who does it wrong. The one that does it wrong ends up, in fact, right; and the one who does it right ends up dead wrong.

We can’t see this because the ego does not want to see it. It gives us no sense of the superiority and ego control we are seeking—instead of seeking God and divine union. Paul calls this counterintuitive wisdom by various names, and one is “the folly of the cross.” He says it is a “revelation” from beyond and normal common sense cannot and will not see it (read 1 Corinthians 1:17-2:9). Someone has to tell us with authority that it is true, and I just told you.

-Fr. Richard's Daily Meditations

dec 2/09 and now

I think I will finally be free, realizing that I am nothing. That nothing amazing naturally flows from me except that which is conjured from blood, sweat and tears (and ultimately grace and Him). If I can but free myself from this pressure that I myself burden lay, I will be free. I can enjoy for simply enjoying. I can do by simple curiosity. I can love with no strings attached, learning to fly one nosedive after the other. And maybe, in the words so delicately self-imposed by a woman under the name Currer Bell, I may also see myself as a lover of life (and those who act as it's containers) and a mere "obscure aspirant" to all which is good and beautiful.

Let peace flow over me
like a river
Let it lick me with
lapping waves
until I feel nothing but
cool movement
escaping any concept of
space and time
Just the feel of
unhindered, unfaltering
sustenance.

Let me then feel my
hair waft around
my naked skin
Reminding me of Infinity
and me
small and floating
down a cool river
sitting in a coffee shop
yearning for
peace.

invitation

Oh do you have time
to linger
for just a little while
out of your busy

and very important day
for the goldfinches
that have gathered
in a field of thistles

for a musical battle,
to see who can sing
the highest note,
or the lowest,

or the most expressive of mirth,
or the most tender?
Their strong, blunt beaks
drink the air

as they strive
melodiously
not for your sake
and not for mine

and not for the sake of winning
but for sheer delight and gratitude—
believe us, they say,
it is a serious thing

just to be alive
on this fresh morning
in the broken world.
I beg of you,

do not walk by
without pausing
to attend to this
rather ridiculous performance.

It could mean something.
It could mean everything.
It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:
"You must change your life."

~Mary Oliver