Countess Daria Chernyshova-Saltykova

Friday - always a joy in itself. I get to wear whatever I want to work, which for some reason always seems to change everything. Funny how fickle my attitude can be. All week I've been feeling a little down, a little low on much needed energy, a little introspective and introverted. I've been alone every evening... Friday, I'm awake. I'm free. After work I find myself continuing in my ever introversion and end up at an art exhibit. Seeking comfort from those who, though long gone, have portrayed the human condition so marvelously - marrying our similarities through the generations; a consolation to a weary soul comforted by the wearied. I entered the room peacefully and find myself surrounded by humans, the quizzical and portrayed. And with much needed classical music to keep my busy mind focused on my soul-refreshing, I popped in my earphones and started to walk through the paintings of earlier centuries. A portrait in specific, "Portrait of the Countess Daria Chernyshova-Saltykova by Francois-Hubert Drouais caught my eye and stopped me from my casual wandering. The Countess stares back at me. I couldn't stop watching her still figure. There was something so human about her, as if she was more than a painting but rather a woman caught in a frame by some spell. Her appearance is both young and old. White hair and rosie cheeks. The painting contains dark greys, and blues contrasting her perfect ivory skin and choking white pearls. Her deep blue eyes are piercing and seem to hold a secret. She's wise... very wise. Experience surrounds her like a wafting aura. Stories of sorrow, loss, love, life, death, joy and pain are told by her eyes. But she sits still, perfect, submissive. The appearance of a beautiful young naive woman dressed up in all the finery a reputable woman should adorn. Her meager smile and placid expression do not fool me. She's meant to portray a perfect innocence and ignorance. Masking her deep wisdom she plays her part, sits silently. I keep her gaze for awhile, half-expecting that she would pop right out of the painting and together we would discuss our common conceptions. But she remained picture perfect, still-posed.
I smiled back at her and eventually continued on. She knew I understood.

if

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

i think this is very wise.
i'm trying to come up with a gender inclusive ending. any ideas? :)

The Monastery Orchard in Early Spring

God's cows are in the fields,
safely grazing. I can see them
through bare branches,
through the steady rain,
fir trees seem ashamed
and tired, bending under winter coats.

I, too, want to be light enough
for this day: throw off impediments,
push like a tulip
through a muddy smear of snow.

I want to take the rain to heart
and feel it move
like possibility, the idea
of change, through things
seen and unseen,
forces, principalities, powers.

Newton named the force that pulls the apple
and the moon with it,
toward the center of the earth.
Augustine found a desire as strong: to steal,
to possess, then throw away.
Encounter with fruit is dangerous:
the pear's womanly shape forever mocked him.

A man and a woman are talking.
Rain moves down and
branches lift up
to learn again
how to hold their fill of green
and blossom, and bear each fruit to glory,
letting it fall.

-Kathleen Norris

myself as a greek talking parrot OR As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

-C S Lewis

i read this poem and a tear came to my eye..
yes, this is me.
masking my desire to love as a solely selfless desire.. and struggling to love those who "don't love" as i have "so attained" to. yes, i have lovingly deceived myself in thinking my love was selfless. i think ignorance to our selfish ambitions is bliss. and when i'm forced to see myself for what i really am... forced to see how much i am deeply in love with my "loving" self... it can be quite a sobering experience. wisdom brings pain.
ooh, but what a revelation.. and then comes what freedom! to see reality. to understand His grace again.. and conceive that i am but human in need of a love far beyond my own. a love that flattens me and uplifts me with the rest of humankind. again, we are equals, limited in love and awing at Love's existence.
He again looks at me with loving eyes, sprinkles the ground with flecks of gold and green and watches as I fall on my face amongst his demonstration of love. "God is, if I may say it, very unscrupulous."

never seed a pomegranate in a white hoody and other such advices

I was seeding a pomegranate in my white hoody and managed to get the blood red juice everywhere. I guess it's not surprising that when i was a teenager my friends were going to buy me a book that told me what stained and what would wash out. I think i like to get dirty. Anyways, it made me think of my mom. For some random reason i suddenly remembered this conversation we had when i was a child. I remember re-telling her some story about the latest hollywood star and how amazing, beautiful and talented they were. My mom smiled at me from our large brown couch and said, "Stephanie the 'stars' are just people, like you and me." today i hold the same value as my mom. A value that all people are equal and stand before God the same regardless of status, prestige, wealth, education, beauty, talent, (place your favourite social value here), etc. I guess i'm just remembering what i've been raised in. Only as an adult (can i call myself that?) have i come to realize what a great value system my parents held and how they truly lived it out. i am so blessed to have been brought up with their examples.
My parents were both hippies at one point, both valued nutrition/health, the environment, equality, love and servanthood. Therefore i grew up eating what i thought disgusting healthy food, recycling EVERYTHING that could be recycled and wearing hand-me-down clothes. Of course no child admires these things when they are young. It's just annoying and uncool. My mom would drive us to school in a brown rusty station wagon that was practically falling apart, stalled at every corner and made loud noises in the cold winter. I was embarrassed. My mom thought, "Use it until it's broken." she (and my dad) had a sense of "waste not, want not." some people have nothing. We have a car to get around in, and look! it talks to us!
When i was little everyone compared what their moms made them for their lunches. I remember having sandwiches made of more seeds than bread substance, trying to transfer as much crumbling "bread" from my fingers into my mouth as possible; and an apple for dessert. I always envied the kid who got chips and sandwiches on beautiful white bread.
My mom always told us we were beautiful. That we could do anything we wanted. That we were loved no matter what happened, whether we got bad grades or not, whether we made the team or not, whether we quit piano (ahem..) or not!
My mom painted, danced, played outdoors, went on sleepovers with friends in her 40's, wrote poetry, baked, made crafts, played guitar, took care of the elderly. She was (is) amazing. But as i grow up and look back what is most amazing about my mom amidst her various talents and admirable qualities - she loved.
My dad told me a couple months ago something that brought tears to my eyes. He said that when my mother was dying and was asked what she wanted to do at the great banquet feast in heaven her reply was, "I want to serve."
That's my mom!! Her life to me is the greatest of advices!

fear of vulnerability

pride?

beautiful glimpses of love

The Enemy [God] wants to bring humans to a state of mind in which s/he could design the best cathedral in the world, and know it to be the best, and rejoice in the fact, without being any more (or less) or otherwise glad at having done it than s/he would be if it had been done by another. The Enemy wants him/her, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his/her own favour that they can rejoice in their own talents as frankly and gratefully as in their neighbour's talents - or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall. He wants each human, in the long run, to be able to recognise all creatures (even his/herself) as glorious and excellent things. He wants to kill their animal self-love as soon as possible; but it is His long-term policy, I fear, to restore to them a new kind of self-love - a charity and gratitude for all selves, including their own; when they have really learned to love their neighbours as themselves, they will be allowed to love themselves as their neighbours. For we must never forget what is the most repellent and inexplicable trait in our Enemy; He really loves the hairless bipeds He has created and always gives back to them with His right hand what He has taken away with His left.

the problem of Jesus

What i mean with this sentence is the issue, let's say necessity, of Jesus for salvation. Honestly, this last year at Prov has been a new discovery of who Jesus is, and why he is so vitally important. For what? SO many things! But that response to my own question (so many things) seems to be my problem - at least when in dialogue with others.
I'm reading Eat, Pray and Love, a book about a woman who goes on a spiritual journey and finds God - Love. AWESOME! However, at the beginning of her book she details her meaning in the word "God." One that I can surely agree with (mostly), except that it's missing one not so tiny detail. Jesus Christ - human God. To me (and it has not always been so) Jesus has become everything! All things wonderful and good. The Incarnation is our HOPE! It's Love's action. It's living, breathing, sensational, relational God. It's more than the feeling of God one gets. It changes humanity, the systems of our societies, cultures, history, etc. It changes how we live, how we love, how we understand faith and grace and perhaps most of all a world so completely contrary to our own: directly opposite - the Kingdom. For me, this is the clincher. I think that anyone and everyone is in love with love. We need it, we know it, we seek it, long for it, look for it, etc. So the fact that God is Love (as many understand and accept) and love is (supposed to be) the foundation of the Christian faith, it is easy to swallow. What I mean is, anyone would easily adopt a belief or faith in Love. Eventually we all come to know this is the answer to our human dilemma.
So what? We love! Awesome! And I truly mean that. I'm a firm believer in love - God. - Jesus. But wait - Jesus is forgotten! Love may be convincing, but then love seems to be so relative today and that's my problem. People can believe in love it seems as long as they are experiencing it as they wish..
God is/may be attractive to almost anyone now (as I'm reading lately - Go Oprah!). Why? Because most come to the conclusion that "He" is Love and also so other, ineffable - so God then can become whatever I wish. And better yet, He loves me! I find this dangerous because then God isn't God. He's whatever I deem Him through my personal experiences. God is everything and then nothing. But Jesus gives the world a clearer picture of God. The indescribable now described. Love in the flesh and even more than that (as I said earlier) the Kingdom - the Kingdom FULLY OTHER (fully from God - the fully other ONE) than our Kingdoms. That's why it grabs me and reveals to me the truth, the hope, the true life from God - the other delivered a Kingdom fully other that we can live and participate in, if we so choose. A Kingdom where the last are the first, where the oppressed are blessed, where the dead are alive, where fashion, status, money, etc. mean nothing, but conditions of the heart are everything. Where no one is elevated and no one oppressed, but all stand equal before the love of God. Where the pursuit of riches, wealth, prestige and happiness are foolishness in the fullness and happiness the Kingdom brings - through Jesus.
You see, without Jesus we just have our own thoughts and interpretations of God. We can have great euphoric experiences without having to touch anyone, or have it infiltrate the world at all. To me, that is a most insignificant power. But God Jesus not only reaches the heart in love with all sensational experience, but through him creates a bond and change and love in us for the rest of humanity and all creation. All in love! Not far off, but attainable and living and yet life so other from our normal human tendencies. So attainable otherness in love through Jesus Christ. Therefore, I have come to believe, he's not only necessary, but is the mysterious truth made known for all humanity and creation.
...some thoughts as I've pondered Him.

dancing in cold water

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now,
Or am I lost?

No one's daughter allow me that
And I can't let go of your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

oooo, I love you
Don’t you know I love you
And I always have
Hallelujah
Will you come with me?

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me?
Ahh...

Am I lost with you?

masculine and feminine

Perhaps a random thought... I don't want to be like a man. Sometimes I think that my sociologically thinking self has done opposite of what my education has purposed. In having my eyes opened even more to the man's world in which we live; the history of our world, our high regard for the strength and power of the masculine, my egalitarianism has failed to value differences in men and women (in that appreciating both feminine and masculine qualities in both men and women). My focus has been entirely on our equality and with that our similarities (which certainly exist) rather than our differences (and equality in those). But that indeed is the problem isn't it? Society doesn't equally value differences. And perhaps that's why I've swung to the other side, thinking that my passion for equality would extinguish our focus on difference (along with this is my fear that our generalizations of men and women will put each individual into a gender box disallowing their unique feminine and masculine qualities to distinguish them).

We are afraid of the unknown. Unsure of how to treat a feminine male or a masculine female. Why? Personally, I struggle with the question of how to treat a masculine male and a feminine female (in their extreme cases).

Alright, where do I fit in this? What do I do with the knowledge of my own socialization? How do I act? Well, I seem to have been rebelling against all things feminine, and in this perhaps come off (and maybe I do I'm realizing) valuing the masculine more. And Oh, I hate all this talk! This distinguishing; systematizing everything. See, this is my struggle. Is there really a difference between us? Besides the physical? A part from our socialized selves? Nature vs. Nurture. What, if any, difference exists naturally between men and women? Perhaps none. I have no answer... I have only had it emphasized to me that where there are differences there is equality.
A friend of mine once said, "any who thought there was any difference between men and women, apart from anatomical; we fools blind to nurture."
Hmmm... So maybe my fear is ridiculous and so off the point - something that usually happens to me. My passions lead me in wrong focus.

In light of my socialization (which I must always keep in mind to keep my actions and heart in check), I don't want to be more masculine because that's what the world values, nor do I want to be less feminine because the world doesn't, nor do I want to focus on being one or the other or even a perfect mixture of both. I just want to be free to be whoever I am beyond societal nurturance. And I pray to do the same for others. May we all be free and feel loved as we are.
I want to see people; not merely sex. And people are all so very different, aren't they?