fear of vulnerability

pride?

beautiful glimpses of love

The Enemy [God] wants to bring humans to a state of mind in which s/he could design the best cathedral in the world, and know it to be the best, and rejoice in the fact, without being any more (or less) or otherwise glad at having done it than s/he would be if it had been done by another. The Enemy wants him/her, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his/her own favour that they can rejoice in their own talents as frankly and gratefully as in their neighbour's talents - or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall. He wants each human, in the long run, to be able to recognise all creatures (even his/herself) as glorious and excellent things. He wants to kill their animal self-love as soon as possible; but it is His long-term policy, I fear, to restore to them a new kind of self-love - a charity and gratitude for all selves, including their own; when they have really learned to love their neighbours as themselves, they will be allowed to love themselves as their neighbours. For we must never forget what is the most repellent and inexplicable trait in our Enemy; He really loves the hairless bipeds He has created and always gives back to them with His right hand what He has taken away with His left.

the problem of Jesus

What i mean with this sentence is the issue, let's say necessity, of Jesus for salvation. Honestly, this last year at Prov has been a new discovery of who Jesus is, and why he is so vitally important. For what? SO many things! But that response to my own question (so many things) seems to be my problem - at least when in dialogue with others.
I'm reading Eat, Pray and Love, a book about a woman who goes on a spiritual journey and finds God - Love. AWESOME! However, at the beginning of her book she details her meaning in the word "God." One that I can surely agree with (mostly), except that it's missing one not so tiny detail. Jesus Christ - human God. To me (and it has not always been so) Jesus has become everything! All things wonderful and good. The Incarnation is our HOPE! It's Love's action. It's living, breathing, sensational, relational God. It's more than the feeling of God one gets. It changes humanity, the systems of our societies, cultures, history, etc. It changes how we live, how we love, how we understand faith and grace and perhaps most of all a world so completely contrary to our own: directly opposite - the Kingdom. For me, this is the clincher. I think that anyone and everyone is in love with love. We need it, we know it, we seek it, long for it, look for it, etc. So the fact that God is Love (as many understand and accept) and love is (supposed to be) the foundation of the Christian faith, it is easy to swallow. What I mean is, anyone would easily adopt a belief or faith in Love. Eventually we all come to know this is the answer to our human dilemma.
So what? We love! Awesome! And I truly mean that. I'm a firm believer in love - God. - Jesus. But wait - Jesus is forgotten! Love may be convincing, but then love seems to be so relative today and that's my problem. People can believe in love it seems as long as they are experiencing it as they wish..
God is/may be attractive to almost anyone now (as I'm reading lately - Go Oprah!). Why? Because most come to the conclusion that "He" is Love and also so other, ineffable - so God then can become whatever I wish. And better yet, He loves me! I find this dangerous because then God isn't God. He's whatever I deem Him through my personal experiences. God is everything and then nothing. But Jesus gives the world a clearer picture of God. The indescribable now described. Love in the flesh and even more than that (as I said earlier) the Kingdom - the Kingdom FULLY OTHER (fully from God - the fully other ONE) than our Kingdoms. That's why it grabs me and reveals to me the truth, the hope, the true life from God - the other delivered a Kingdom fully other that we can live and participate in, if we so choose. A Kingdom where the last are the first, where the oppressed are blessed, where the dead are alive, where fashion, status, money, etc. mean nothing, but conditions of the heart are everything. Where no one is elevated and no one oppressed, but all stand equal before the love of God. Where the pursuit of riches, wealth, prestige and happiness are foolishness in the fullness and happiness the Kingdom brings - through Jesus.
You see, without Jesus we just have our own thoughts and interpretations of God. We can have great euphoric experiences without having to touch anyone, or have it infiltrate the world at all. To me, that is a most insignificant power. But God Jesus not only reaches the heart in love with all sensational experience, but through him creates a bond and change and love in us for the rest of humanity and all creation. All in love! Not far off, but attainable and living and yet life so other from our normal human tendencies. So attainable otherness in love through Jesus Christ. Therefore, I have come to believe, he's not only necessary, but is the mysterious truth made known for all humanity and creation.
...some thoughts as I've pondered Him.

dancing in cold water

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now,
Or am I lost?

No one's daughter allow me that
And I can't let go of your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

oooo, I love you
Don’t you know I love you
And I always have
Hallelujah
Will you come with me?

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me?
Ahh...

Am I lost with you?

masculine and feminine

Perhaps a random thought... I don't want to be like a man. Sometimes I think that my sociologically thinking self has done opposite of what my education has purposed. In having my eyes opened even more to the man's world in which we live; the history of our world, our high regard for the strength and power of the masculine, my egalitarianism has failed to value differences in men and women (in that appreciating both feminine and masculine qualities in both men and women). My focus has been entirely on our equality and with that our similarities (which certainly exist) rather than our differences (and equality in those). But that indeed is the problem isn't it? Society doesn't equally value differences. And perhaps that's why I've swung to the other side, thinking that my passion for equality would extinguish our focus on difference (along with this is my fear that our generalizations of men and women will put each individual into a gender box disallowing their unique feminine and masculine qualities to distinguish them).

We are afraid of the unknown. Unsure of how to treat a feminine male or a masculine female. Why? Personally, I struggle with the question of how to treat a masculine male and a feminine female (in their extreme cases).

Alright, where do I fit in this? What do I do with the knowledge of my own socialization? How do I act? Well, I seem to have been rebelling against all things feminine, and in this perhaps come off (and maybe I do I'm realizing) valuing the masculine more. And Oh, I hate all this talk! This distinguishing; systematizing everything. See, this is my struggle. Is there really a difference between us? Besides the physical? A part from our socialized selves? Nature vs. Nurture. What, if any, difference exists naturally between men and women? Perhaps none. I have no answer... I have only had it emphasized to me that where there are differences there is equality.
A friend of mine once said, "any who thought there was any difference between men and women, apart from anatomical; we fools blind to nurture."
Hmmm... So maybe my fear is ridiculous and so off the point - something that usually happens to me. My passions lead me in wrong focus.

In light of my socialization (which I must always keep in mind to keep my actions and heart in check), I don't want to be more masculine because that's what the world values, nor do I want to be less feminine because the world doesn't, nor do I want to focus on being one or the other or even a perfect mixture of both. I just want to be free to be whoever I am beyond societal nurturance. And I pray to do the same for others. May we all be free and feel loved as we are.
I want to see people; not merely sex. And people are all so very different, aren't they?

happiness

"The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between a man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water. And for that they must be free."
-C.S. Lewis

oh my god

Oh my God; look around this place. Your fingers reach around the bone, you set the break and set the tone. Flights of grace, and future falls. In present pain, all fools say, "Oh my God." Oh my God, Why are we so afraid? We make it worse when we don't bleed, there is no cure for our disease. Turn a phrase, and rise again. Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend. Oh my God. Oh my God, can I complain? You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief. Weddings, boats and alibis, all drift away, and a mother cries.

Liars and fools; sons and failures
Thieves will always say
Lost and found; ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels; men with problems
Leavers always say
Broken hearted; separated
Orphans always say
War creators; racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers; fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints; lonely widows
Users always say
Fearful mothers; watchful doubters
Saviors always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive. And these days, mercy cuts so deep. If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep. While I lay, I dream we're better, scales were gone and faces light. When we wake, we hate our brother. We still move to hurt each other. Sometimes I can close my eyes, and all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing. What makes me so badly bent? We all have a chance to murder. We all feel the need for wonder. We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder.
Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven. All the times I thought to reach up. All the times I had to give. Babies underneath their beds. Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes. All the comforts of cathedrals, all the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance. All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense.
Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God..

banana pancakes

i'm dreaming every night. sometimes i live through my dreams. sometimes i think it's all i need.

i fear loneliness. i also fear falling more in love with my independent tendencies. i am alone here.

i long for God and i'm frustrated.

i want love, passion and happiness. i preach sacrifice, brokenness and pain.

i want to fly away. i want to be back a prov. learning, growing, soaking up the intelligence from my brilliant professors. contemplating in vast quiet fields and waking up to Anne and banana pancakes. i could weap with mourning for these things. this is such a different season for me. it's hard.

i want to cry. i know i will dream of different realities... and i'll continue to find new excitments. and maybe someday i'll be crying about missing Korea and the people here. Oh, what a torture to move all the time; and Oh, what a love and appreciation it brings for the things you struggled through and took for granted.

traffic and stars

In humid heat I sit.
dusk
warm breeze
and everywhere traffic
of souls and automobiles
high heels and dresses,
suits and cigarettes,
honking horns and racing scooters,
men holding hands,
curious stares
foreign and familiar
fight for my senses
In humid heat I sit.
watch
and glimpse
your freckle in the sky.

jewels on the streets

No one
Knows his name-
A man who lives on the streets
And walks around in rags.

Once I saw that man in a dream.
He and God were constructing
An extraordinary
Temple.

-St. Francis of Assisi


It should not be surprising that the Seoul streets also home those that are homeless. I probably see one such person every day on my way to work; sitting on the subway stairs with a hat in front containing a few tossed coins. I see one person crawling up the street just opposite the one i work at. This person has no legs. I saw another kneeling on the ground with his head bowed down on his outstretched arms; his hands making a cup to receive any type of mercy. What do we do?

I had a vision the other day, as i past another such woman, of me coming to this woman with Kimbab (a korean sort of sushi roll)... I took it in my hands and knelt before her with my head bowed down on my arms (like the man i saw earlier) and extended my hands containing the food. She wept; for bowing is a huge sign of respect here, done to those of a higher status than you.. So this action of mine would be an extreme statement.
I don't know where this vision came from. I can only say it was from God. A challenge.. Maybe God was speaking to me further on how he sees us. His people.. Those that are homeless are his precious jewels that we quickly rush past.

Church today this is what was preached. I was overwhelmed. This message is so counter-culture, it slaps our societal values in the face.. my values, and dare i say Christian values.. to love those who are rich, beautiful, talented, "successful;" and all of the meaning we've attached to these words.

Matt. 25:42-45
For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me. Then they also will answer, saying, "Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you? Then he will answer them, saying, "Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me."

I need to learn how to love.