myself as a greek talking parrot OR As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

-C S Lewis

i read this poem and a tear came to my eye..
yes, this is me.
masking my desire to love as a solely selfless desire.. and struggling to love those who "don't love" as i have "so attained" to. yes, i have lovingly deceived myself in thinking my love was selfless. i think ignorance to our selfish ambitions is bliss. and when i'm forced to see myself for what i really am... forced to see how much i am deeply in love with my "loving" self... it can be quite a sobering experience. wisdom brings pain.
ooh, but what a revelation.. and then comes what freedom! to see reality. to understand His grace again.. and conceive that i am but human in need of a love far beyond my own. a love that flattens me and uplifts me with the rest of humankind. again, we are equals, limited in love and awing at Love's existence.
He again looks at me with loving eyes, sprinkles the ground with flecks of gold and green and watches as I fall on my face amongst his demonstration of love. "God is, if I may say it, very unscrupulous."