being here

There are some things that we come in contact with in life that immediately connect with us - it just makes perfect sense - and it acts as an affirming agent. We all need these. It keeps us alive, it keeps us growing.

I am on an interesting journey - we all are - and I (we) always have been. But it is especially interesting to me now because I'm aware of new things within myself. The process of introspection is turning to greater self discovery and self acceptance as I grow. And what a beautiful and complex thing self acceptance is. So humbling, so freeing.

I have come to understand the extent to which I love people and thrive on the relationships in my life. This longing, along with growing up with a worldview that God was a relational God and wanted to get to know me, shaped the majority of the decisions I have made in my life. Namely, I was searching for a love story that I was told existed for me and secondly, I was seeking community. I traveled from community to community falling in love with those I lived with for those intense months I spent with them. I would leave them with a greater longing for those relationships to continue - and I would find new ones. I have found myself in a cycle of coming and leaving communities, countries my entire adult life and it has left me wanting.

I have been stationary now for two and a half years. I was planning on moving to a next city in a few months, because in Calgary I have also been found wanting - but my heart is telling me to stay. This is what staying has taught me: 1) True community takes time and energy which requires one to be stationed. It is ugly and extremely difficult as well as beautiful and meaningful. 2) True growth comes from having the time to move past the survival mode of living in a foreign land and simply being. It allows you the space to look at yourself and wonder at who you are and what possibilities exist within yourself to do (indeed, a great privilege for us wealthy). 3) It enables one to be known by others and 4) it has brought me to see that I am full of fear.

The human spirit is so alive, beautiful and complex. Our brains, bodies, spirits, are so unique and so interconnected. I realize that I need not lose myself to find another. On the contrary, when I see myself, I can truly see others. My self recognition only furthers my capacity to recognize the other - self love to love the other, etc.

So, I am brought to a stationary place and learning this crazy human that is me. In doing so, I'm losing some fear. In doing so, I'm learning others. In doing so, I am finding more freedom and finding myself giving more to others.

These are some jumbled thoughts that have been floating in and through my heart and mind the last few months. You may not see the connection, but when I was sent this video from a friend, I felt an affirming nod from deep within me. Culture and socialization hardly leave room for this process I speak of. We are trained by our parents, religion, schools, communities, etc. to walk certain paths, often killing creativity, novelty and reflection. But although many walk these paths (drawing for me as all I desire are humans) is not our greatest achievement that of grasping perhaps mere morsels of understanding on the reason for our existence?

amen

betwixt

There indwelt another twinkle
Another rhythm where other
Rhythms waver
And create solo tunes

And the question captured
Both hearts
And time for unaccountable moments
Allowed them this pleasure

i have no words

http://youtu.be/_TsR1yiAe9g

thank you

Anne Lamott suspects that the best prayers are, "Help me, help me, help me" and "Thank you, thank you, thank you." I feel as of late that I deeply concur with her findings. Often, there is nothing but these two statements I find myself whispering to the infinite - they pour out of me so naturally like honey drips from the comb. And then somewhere in the midst of these help mes and thank yous, I feel wrapped in a cosmic something and suspended in Love. I then laugh and cry - I grasp the hands of my friends and look into their loving eyes and thank God again that I am so blessed to have those who love me.
This beautiful cycle of fragility and neediness to strength and gratitude is filling my days, and I love it. Being human is so fickle and humbling - such a dichotomy of loveliness and shit.
I would have it no other way.

the power of vulnerability

As I look back at my life, I can't help but realize that over the years I've lost much of my openness. There is something about experience, rejection and pain that causes us to forget that our vulnerability and whole-heartedness is what it means to truly live!
This Ted Talks inspired me anew. I also want to be one of the whole-hearted.

sin as necessity

Remember the whole biblical drama begins with an act of transgression; a necessary transgression, I think. I know we pretend to be disappointed that Adam and Eve ate the apple, but we have to know that is the whole point! They had to eat the apple. There is no story without it. That is how the conflict is set up. That is how we break through to consciousness. We don’t come to God by doing it “right.” Doing it right just makes us fall in love with ourselves, not God. In the story of the Prodigal Son we see it clearly (Luke 15:11-32). There is one son who does it right and one son who does it wrong. The one that does it wrong ends up, in fact, right; and the one who does it right ends up dead wrong.

We can’t see this because the ego does not want to see it. It gives us no sense of the superiority and ego control we are seeking—instead of seeking God and divine union. Paul calls this counterintuitive wisdom by various names, and one is “the folly of the cross.” He says it is a “revelation” from beyond and normal common sense cannot and will not see it (read 1 Corinthians 1:17-2:9). Someone has to tell us with authority that it is true, and I just told you.

-Fr. Richard's Daily Meditations

dec 2/09 and now

I think I will finally be free, realizing that I am nothing. That nothing amazing naturally flows from me except that which is conjured from blood, sweat and tears (and ultimately grace and Him). If I can but free myself from this pressure that I myself burden lay, I will be free. I can enjoy for simply enjoying. I can do by simple curiosity. I can love with no strings attached, learning to fly one nosedive after the other. And maybe, in the words so delicately self-imposed by a woman under the name Currer Bell, I may also see myself as a lover of life (and those who act as it's containers) and a mere "obscure aspirant" to all which is good and beautiful.

Let peace flow over me
like a river
Let it lick me with
lapping waves
until I feel nothing but
cool movement
escaping any concept of
space and time
Just the feel of
unhindered, unfaltering
sustenance.

Let me then feel my
hair waft around
my naked skin
Reminding me of Infinity
and me
small and floating
down a cool river
sitting in a coffee shop
yearning for
peace.

invitation

Oh do you have time
to linger
for just a little while
out of your busy

and very important day
for the goldfinches
that have gathered
in a field of thistles

for a musical battle,
to see who can sing
the highest note,
or the lowest,

or the most expressive of mirth,
or the most tender?
Their strong, blunt beaks
drink the air

as they strive
melodiously
not for your sake
and not for mine

and not for the sake of winning
but for sheer delight and gratitude—
believe us, they say,
it is a serious thing

just to be alive
on this fresh morning
in the broken world.
I beg of you,

do not walk by
without pausing
to attend to this
rather ridiculous performance.

It could mean something.
It could mean everything.
It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:
"You must change your life."

~Mary Oliver

achterland