on marriage

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. -Isadora Duncan

When it comes down to it the thought of marriage frightens me. It frightens me because it is all responsibility to convention, roles, expectations and (apparent) practicality. I am desperately in love with freedom. I feel as though I could live forever on family, friendships and occasional flirtation. However, there are some moments when my mind wonders on this idea of commitment. And I realize that not only is it somewhat dazzling, but I indeed exist and thrive within commitment already. Amongst other examples I think specifically of my brother and sister and how their love and commitment to me has been all freeing, life-giving and mostly lovely. So it is the idea that marriage is not freeing is what keeps me from considering it.

Again, when I think about marriage as a part of my life I realize that it seems to me that it is not marriage I want (for as I said I have commitment already from others, and I'm failing to see other positive reasons for marriage (or examples of)) but romance. And not romance as it may be traditionally understood either. Not the chivalrous kind but the kind that is equal and mutually understood. I seem to believe that there exists a process of shared enchantment where in seeing glimpses of the bare soul there is desire to know and reveal. That it becomes both choice and desire to set the other free in the rawest of states. That freedom and love are the ultimate goals for the other. If this did exist, this I could commit to.. for it is free.

I would never wish to gain my independence from any man, nor my economic or social security. I am not in need of one to give me my greatest value or affirmation. I desire no spiritual covering or adventure coach. The thought of bearing children does not come with a natural understanding to me. I feel as far removed from the image of a women in floral-print dress in the kitchen as any man would. No, these things I am not looking for. I desire life, love and freedom (freedom perhaps from the conventional/traditional ideas).. and if this exists in a commitment with a man.. then of course, I welcome it (or welcome the consideration).