marriage as an answer

If our relational lives were put on a linear scale from worst situation to best I'm sure it would start with isolation and end in community. Marriage would be somewhere in the middle. This has been one of the most common conversations I've had with those in my life of late. The question keeps appearing, 'What would you rather, marriage or community?' Too many answer with the latter. Strange? Now, I must add that most of these friends are ones that have experienced living in community at some point. Most of them currently living in what people have told me is called the 'real world.' So they reminisce the days surrounded in company much larger than themselves.

We live in a grossly emphasized individualistic society. I comprehended it better after living in the more communal Asia. Dr. Perry is so correct in describing our society as relationally impoverished. And we are just supposed to live with this reality? This 'real life?' It is much harder to accept when one has lived in community. You come to realize it is the greatest way of living.

I write this as both an emotional response to current circumstances and as a simple observation of how people see reality. I almost cannot blame my friends anymore for getting married and preoccupying their time and energy into this one person. How does one in a society that pushes individuals to be their own at a very young age expect humans to deal? The reality is that we can't do life alone. Not well. And since communities rarely exist in our culture marriage is an attractive option for coping with loneliness.
What I find most interesting, though, is that once the couple gets married they still face loneliness.. and then what? We must contend that marriage does not end loneliness and here I must say that nothing will. It is the human condition that we suffer with this gnawing feeling of desire, longing and loss - but I think we can learn to do it well and/or better (living in the tension - resting in tension!) Perhaps we could rest in the tension more gracefully when knowing we sit with a dozen or so people who are experiencing the same.. who share the same existence. The problem then is not that marriage exists, or that it is not good, but that we are taught it is the answer.

I still find marriage as an answer too largely limited. I believe we need dialogue and love beyond the borders of two. In fact I have many married friends who are still in search of the community they once knew. There is something so beautiful about having deep friendships for years upon years. Having friends who prove to be committed to you over time and all without a contract. I have found the greatest happiness in my life has been when living in community and surrounded by those I share deep and meaningful relationships with - men and women, young and old - learning from their experiences and perspectives, growing with them. So far a boyfriend has not exceeded this joy, freedom and love. But this is just my experience. The venting comes when I wish others thought so. You see, I'm not in community now and I long for it. Why do not others? Oh for the day when we are desperate, not for a man or woman but for people to share life with!