joy

Somehow the conundrum of the privacy of my thoughts was answered by an explicit response of appreciation... which turns my problem to pure consciousness of existing observations. This can be frightening to me; but obviously overcome as i continue to write my thoughts... scared as i am to make claims of knowing anything right now... I know nothing but to love.
But i must speak right now of joy. I love those moments... so ineffable.. and yet, here i try.
C.S. Lewis describes joy as "the sublime experience of the transcendent, the glimpse of the eternal that is only fleetingly available..." I often don't know where it comes from, but i can name times in my life where this feeling has overtaken me.. And in the most random of places... Today i was on the bus and had to write. These are my words as i flew:
"I feel as though i'm flying in open skies; limitless, boundless and all beauty encompassing infinite space. I feel JOY. My heart has wings; God has kissed my cheek and i'm sitting on this Seoul bus grinning wildly on the inside. I sense his freedom, the freedom that breaks our standards, our scripts, our understanding. The freedom to love beyond the lovely, to value those that by worldly standards have none; YES, this is it! To see gifts in those where they are invisible. To tell them! To see them GROW and CHANGE. To see them break the boxes society has gently placed them in; slowly rocking them to sleep. By God's strength, love, grace and mercy may I be a part of those gift openers; rip them open like presents on Christmas morning and see the ugly's beauty, see the nerd's coolness, the weakling's strength, the shy's audaciousness, the ditz's brilliance (I am speaking in worldly terms). And may they open more presents, and loose the elevated from the thrones we've bound them to. And as the least of these, the last, the sinners, the lowly and oppressed (as God so kindly spoke in our own terms) are lifted, and the exalted lowered; may we all speak, see, understand, live and love on the same plane - AKA, The Kingdom; started in a stable."
Oh, my idealism runs wild.. But was not Jesus an idealist with a perfect realistic understanding? Did he not exist in our world and show us another?
These thoughts have been my joy today. They are my wantings, my striving fors...
"All joy...emphasizes our pilgrim status; always reminds, beckons, awakens desire. Our best havings are wantings." - C.S. Lewis
And so i journey...

Only as a child am I awake
and able to trust
that after every fear and every night
I will behold you again.

However often I get lost,
however far my thinking strays,
I know you will be here, right here,
time trembling around you.

To me it is as if I were at once
infant, boy, man and more.
I feel that only as it circles
is abundance found.

I thank you, deep power
that works me ever more lightly
in ways I can't make out.
The day's labor grows simple now,
like a holy face
held in my dark hands.

a beautiful poem bethany sent me by Rilke.