There are moments in
one's life, at least I hope there are, when they feel like they see for the
first time.The ordinary hills, trees,
sidewalk one has walked upon and through a million times is seen as though new and
foreign and it commands awe.That was
today.Born a Calgarian who has lived in
Manitoba, BC, the U.S., Central American, Asia and Europe, I keep coming home -
to many people's surprise.The comments
of surprise and wonder at my desire to move back to 'cow-town' are numerous,
and I myself am increasingly surprised at the distain Calgarians (and, let's be
honest - insert any city dweller here) hold for their own city.If you are unhappy, dear human, then
move.But I can assure you of this - it
is not the beauty of a city, the temperature, weather, politics or city
organisation that makes a city worth living in - there is so much more to life,
people, community and meaning (that comes with struggle) that encourage my
decision to settle where I have.Moderate weather alone will not cut it.
As I reflect on my happiest times in life, they have been when I had less
distraction from the moment - less Facebook -, when my life was simpler -I had
less - and when I lived in community.Today, as I walked along a sidewalk in a suburban community in south
west Calgary, I was in awe of the blueness of the sky.The sky here in Alberta is brilliant.It is so big and obnoxiously and joyously
bright.And that blue - it is so pure
and beaming - like it was the first blue ever created.And then there is the snow - or rather,
sparkles, under my feet and all around me.The crunch and squish cut the silence of the crisp, still space of this
area - until you run into the bushes of a hundred little birds, who cannot stop
chattering excitedly at the sparkly decorations of their home.The birch trees, rooted and strong play games
with the sun's rays.They are happy just
to be.A reminder of the joy of
stillness and quiet.And among those
trees, I fell in love again - with this life so generously given to me.What blessed creatures we are, to be able to
call this place our home.
And so the decision stands and is confirmed again.It's the simple, and the still moments of
looking around that we realize the beauty of life and being alive.And I am grateful and elated, like the birds.
"[Life] is a
musical thing and you are supposed to sing or dance while the music is being
played." ~Alan Watts
Today I am aware of
my tendency to run.Like a hamster - in a
wheel.I wake with to-do lists in my
head, I scurry about all morning - task to task, very robotically and mindlessly
to get ready for my day.Most days are
busy, packed, really.Mostly with
obligations, others with self-imposed disciplines such as exercise and study.Things that are neither good or bad and
sometimes both.
Lately though, I have become a little more cognizant of the girl inside of me
anxious to get out and play.I have kept
her trapped for too long and she is getting impatient.
Are adults simply working to finally play again?Is play not an essential part of life?
Philosopher Alan Watts' basic metaphysical assumption hinges on an
understanding that the universe is essentially playful.The universe has no necessity that can be
fully comprehended, and yet it exists - beautiful and blatant.With all our gust and endearing drive could
we have forgotten what it means to simply exist in this paradise?Have we forgotten to stop and look around and
remember what a gift it is to simply be alive?There is much we can learn from children, who wake up and immediately
start to explore and play.That is our
nature!
Today, I remember little Stephanie excited to explore.That is my intention today.I hope it's yours.
Today I wake up to
gray and drizzle.Characteristics that
naturally bring comfort and warmth.For
that I am extremely grateful.I wake up
slow.I lay in bed and breath
thankfulness.I stretch, make peppermint
tea and munch on baked apples while snuggling a kitty.Moments like these are precious gifts and I
fully intend to be present and breath in this beautiful life.
Much has changed. And in the most base and yet foundational form. I speak of food. I smile at this thought, for it has always seemed quite a primitive occupation, no? I have, though, yet discovered that it is a gift. It is life. And it is to the base of my life I must explore and consider before I feel I can preoccupy my mind with that I have often found loftier.
My exploration started with a suggestion made by my Naturopath and quickly became my most sought after research the past 4 months. How could I have ignored this part of life for so long? That which gives us life, that which sustains us, that which heals, that which gives us energy, motivation, mental clarity. That which causes illness and kills and that which brings peace and joy. That which we share with all creatures on earth, and on a daily basis partake in to bring us to yet another day. Humanity has come a long way to have food become something we spend little time thinking about and as with all technology and industrial growth with our great gains there is always something lost. Once I came to understand the detriments of taking for granted food consumption I have been reminded to consider the roots of health, the basics of life.
I have found much and I could write much. I could write new poetry on the earth, the animals and the humans that have so carelessly taken charge. I now wonder at our illnesses that kill millions each year that had never existed in past decades and still remain unknown in certain areas of the world. But most of all, how I start this thought, this dialogue - how we could be so removed from this basic yet paramount part of our lives and leave it unconsidered.
As I changed my diet, I filled my journals with the changes I experienced. My energy increased, my mental clarity improved, I slept more sound, I found myself quite joyful. Something seemed to lift from my shoulders. I felt as though I could breath more deeply and understand more clearly. I felt strangely aware of things I never was before. I felt more in tune with nature with all living things. I felt deeply at peace and a huge increase in joy and I had written in my journal, "All I know is that my life has changed. I am in love."
I will write another entry on my thoughts on food and theology and spirituality - for you all know how consumed I am with this marriage of ideologies, and more so, how all these are connected. But for now, I speak merely pragmatically. We must deeply consider our meals for they have significant implications on our bodies, our persons, and our world. It is not easy. It is a process and a journey. But it is beautiful.
There are some things that we come in contact with in life that immediately connect with us - it just makes perfect sense - and it acts as an affirming agent. We all need these. It keeps us alive, it keeps us growing.
I am on an interesting journey - we all are - and I (we) always have been. But it is especially interesting to me now because I'm aware of new things within myself. The process of introspection is turning to greater self discovery and self acceptance as I grow. And what a beautiful and complex thing self acceptance is. So humbling, so freeing.
I have come to understand the extent to which I love people and thrive on the relationships in my life. This longing, along with growing up with a worldview that God was a relational God and wanted to get to know me, shaped the majority of the decisions I have made in my life. Namely, I was searching for a love story that I was told existed for me and secondly, I was seeking community. I traveled from community to community falling in love with those I lived with for those intense months I spent with them. I would leave them with a greater longing for those relationships to continue - and I would find new ones. I have found myself in a cycle of coming and leaving communities, countries my entire adult life and it has left me wanting.
I have been stationary now for two and a half years. I was planning on moving to a next city in a few months, because in Calgary I have also been found wanting - but my heart is telling me to stay. This is what staying has taught me: 1) True community takes time and energy which requires one to be stationed. It is ugly and extremely difficult as well as beautiful and meaningful. 2) True growth comes from having the time to move past the survival mode of living in a foreign land and simply being. It allows you the space to look at yourself and wonder at who you are and what possibilities exist within yourself to do (indeed, a great privilege for us wealthy). 3) It enables one to be known by others and 4) it has brought me to see that I am full of fear.
The human spirit is so alive, beautiful and complex. Our brains, bodies, spirits, are so unique and so interconnected. I realize that I need not lose myself to find another. On the contrary, when I see myself, I can truly see others. My self recognition only furthers my capacity to recognize the other - self love to love the other, etc.
So, I am brought to a stationary place and learning this crazy human that is me. In doing so, I'm losing some fear. In doing so, I'm learning others. In doing so, I am finding more freedom and finding myself giving more to others.
These are some jumbled thoughts that have been floating in and through my heart and mind the last few months. You may not see the connection, but when I was sent this video from a friend, I felt an affirming nod from deep within me. Culture and socialization hardly leave room for this process I speak of. We are trained by our parents, religion, schools, communities, etc. to walk certain paths, often killing creativity, novelty and reflection. But although many walk these paths (drawing for me as all I desire are humans) is not our greatest achievement that of grasping perhaps mere morsels of understanding on the reason for our existence?
