the power of vulnerability

As I look back at my life, I can't help but realize that over the years I've lost much of my openness. There is something about experience, rejection and pain that causes us to forget that our vulnerability and whole-heartedness is what it means to truly live!
This Ted Talks inspired me anew. I also want to be one of the whole-hearted.

sin as necessity

Remember the whole biblical drama begins with an act of transgression; a necessary transgression, I think. I know we pretend to be disappointed that Adam and Eve ate the apple, but we have to know that is the whole point! They had to eat the apple. There is no story without it. That is how the conflict is set up. That is how we break through to consciousness. We don’t come to God by doing it “right.” Doing it right just makes us fall in love with ourselves, not God. In the story of the Prodigal Son we see it clearly (Luke 15:11-32). There is one son who does it right and one son who does it wrong. The one that does it wrong ends up, in fact, right; and the one who does it right ends up dead wrong.

We can’t see this because the ego does not want to see it. It gives us no sense of the superiority and ego control we are seeking—instead of seeking God and divine union. Paul calls this counterintuitive wisdom by various names, and one is “the folly of the cross.” He says it is a “revelation” from beyond and normal common sense cannot and will not see it (read 1 Corinthians 1:17-2:9). Someone has to tell us with authority that it is true, and I just told you.

-Fr. Richard's Daily Meditations

dec 2/09 and now

I think I will finally be free, realizing that I am nothing. That nothing amazing naturally flows from me except that which is conjured from blood, sweat and tears (and ultimately grace and Him). If I can but free myself from this pressure that I myself burden lay, I will be free. I can enjoy for simply enjoying. I can do by simple curiosity. I can love with no strings attached, learning to fly one nosedive after the other. And maybe, in the words so delicately self-imposed by a woman under the name Currer Bell, I may also see myself as a lover of life (and those who act as it's containers) and a mere "obscure aspirant" to all which is good and beautiful.

Let peace flow over me
like a river
Let it lick me with
lapping waves
until I feel nothing but
cool movement
escaping any concept of
space and time
Just the feel of
unhindered, unfaltering
sustenance.

Let me then feel my
hair waft around
my naked skin
Reminding me of Infinity
and me
small and floating
down a cool river
sitting in a coffee shop
yearning for
peace.

invitation

Oh do you have time
to linger
for just a little while
out of your busy

and very important day
for the goldfinches
that have gathered
in a field of thistles

for a musical battle,
to see who can sing
the highest note,
or the lowest,

or the most expressive of mirth,
or the most tender?
Their strong, blunt beaks
drink the air

as they strive
melodiously
not for your sake
and not for mine

and not for the sake of winning
but for sheer delight and gratitude—
believe us, they say,
it is a serious thing

just to be alive
on this fresh morning
in the broken world.
I beg of you,

do not walk by
without pausing
to attend to this
rather ridiculous performance.

It could mean something.
It could mean everything.
It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:
"You must change your life."

~Mary Oliver

achterland

Grasping the hand of Simplicity

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” -Leonardo da Vinci

Thank you Leo. I have come to a new struggle in life, and as it takes struggle to be out of struggle, I must enter it willingly.

I am, as most of us are, surrounded by constant movement of humans desperately aspiring to achieve success, money, position, fame, things. I feel my world is being quite raped by advancing technology - I watch simplicity as it slips further and further from my grasping fingers - our society does not love her much.

When did the world become filled with desire for so many foolish pursuits? Why is self elevation one of our most strived for occupations, especially when disguised so delicately in various forms of cultural acceptance.

These are the days I long for the prairies. For walks in vast golden fields, for listening to owls, for sitting in trees watching stars. For friends in oversized coats, for no stores, for one stop sign, for space, for silence. I forgot these precious features made up my reality.

I must enter willingly, knowing that there are many realities - I've lived in them. So, I struggle to be simple. To wrap myself in loving values. To breathe, and be free.

"I go about looking at horses and cattle. They eat grass, make love, work when they have to, bear their young. I am sick with envy of them." ~Sherwood Anderson

for a congregation

a pastor at the local church where my work (Highbanks) is located had asked me to write a little something for a small collection of writings he was putting together of voices from the community to pass onto his congregation. this is what came out of me.


I applied to Highbanks for two reasons. Quite practically, I needed a job. I had just made it home from the country of South Korea where I had spent one quite lonely year of living and teaching. Secondly, Highbanks' website promised a community to young mothers in need, and although not a young mother, I was quite in need of a community.

I have come to discover that where there is community there is God. For where love exists there He is also. So you can see why Highbanks appealed so much. I needed more of Him.

I am so privileged to work beside two wonderful woman who desire to love a small demographic of Calgary whom many ignore and push aside. It baffles me the more I work within the social system how those most in need of love and care are the ones most obviously disregarded. I believe this stems from deep socialized misconceptions.

Growing up in a Christian home, taking the role of missionary for several years and graduating from a Christian College I have had my fair share of the religiosity of Christianity. I have to admit, I was one of the best Christians. Always put in leadership in church, in missions organisations overseas, I had gained a reputation of an 'exceptional spiritual woman.' I genuinely carried this role quite humbly until eventually the pressure was too much and I began to love the image.

I am so grateful for the day God kicked me off my throne and showed me my brokenness - revealed the misconception that some were better than others for such and such a reason. Suddenly the 'them' in this world had been erased and there was only a 'we' community of which I was a part. WE who are saved only by His grace alone, not by my own 'holiness' or self-righteousness. (It didn't exist after all). I found all humans were in the same sinking boat. And it makes sense, if anyone could have made it by their own goodness Christ needn't come.

Since grace took on a whole new meaning it has become so easy to see God in those around me. So breathtaking to see Christ at work. The words of Matthew have become so real that when we give a cup of cold water, when we sit and listen, when we give a warm embrace we are taking part in the community of the Kingdom - the one which sinks in His grace.
That is what Highbanks has become to me. It is what every part of our lives really is - The perpetual potential to see Love (God) at work.

No one
Knows her name-
A girl who lives on the streets
And walks around in rags.

Once I saw that girl in a dream.
Her and God were constructing
An extraordinary
Temple.

-St. Francis of Assisi

two things

I am starting to feel a sense of belonging here!

and THIS:

"Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."
-Frederick Buechner

marriage as an answer

If our relational lives were put on a linear scale from worst situation to best I'm sure it would start with isolation and end in community. Marriage would be somewhere in the middle. This has been one of the most common conversations I've had with those in my life of late. The question keeps appearing, 'What would you rather, marriage or community?' Too many answer with the latter. Strange? Now, I must add that most of these friends are ones that have experienced living in community at some point. Most of them currently living in what people have told me is called the 'real world.' So they reminisce the days surrounded in company much larger than themselves.

We live in a grossly emphasized individualistic society. I comprehended it better after living in the more communal Asia. Dr. Perry is so correct in describing our society as relationally impoverished. And we are just supposed to live with this reality? This 'real life?' It is much harder to accept when one has lived in community. You come to realize it is the greatest way of living.

I write this as both an emotional response to current circumstances and as a simple observation of how people see reality. I almost cannot blame my friends anymore for getting married and preoccupying their time and energy into this one person. How does one in a society that pushes individuals to be their own at a very young age expect humans to deal? The reality is that we can't do life alone. Not well. And since communities rarely exist in our culture marriage is an attractive option for coping with loneliness.
What I find most interesting, though, is that once the couple gets married they still face loneliness.. and then what? We must contend that marriage does not end loneliness and here I must say that nothing will. It is the human condition that we suffer with this gnawing feeling of desire, longing and loss - but I think we can learn to do it well and/or better (living in the tension - resting in tension!) Perhaps we could rest in the tension more gracefully when knowing we sit with a dozen or so people who are experiencing the same.. who share the same existence. The problem then is not that marriage exists, or that it is not good, but that we are taught it is the answer.

I still find marriage as an answer too largely limited. I believe we need dialogue and love beyond the borders of two. In fact I have many married friends who are still in search of the community they once knew. There is something so beautiful about having deep friendships for years upon years. Having friends who prove to be committed to you over time and all without a contract. I have found the greatest happiness in my life has been when living in community and surrounded by those I share deep and meaningful relationships with - men and women, young and old - learning from their experiences and perspectives, growing with them. So far a boyfriend has not exceeded this joy, freedom and love. But this is just my experience. The venting comes when I wish others thought so. You see, I'm not in community now and I long for it. Why do not others? Oh for the day when we are desperate, not for a man or woman but for people to share life with!

C'était salement romantique